‘It’s a Star Wars Life’

I had this idea the other day after so many smug elitist jerks on Twitter were outright attacking anyone who actually likes the Star Wars Prequels. Everyone from writers from legitimate newspapers to film bloggers were going on a crusade to tell those who liked the Prequels that their opinion was wrong and they needed to get started in a 21st century version of book burning to destroy the Prequels.

So I had an idea for a fan film (or it could be a podcast radio theater type thing) based on It’s a Wonderful Life where a Prequel hater prevents all Star Wars content after 1983 and finds that the franchise no longer exists.

So here it is.

It’s a Star Wars Life
By Jeremy Conrad

BATEY sits at his computer, furiously typing on the keyboard. He’s obviously very agitated at the flame war he’s participating in.

BATEY
I can’t believe these idiots on this subreddit. The Prequels are so terrible. Haven’t they watched the Red Letter Media takedowns of them? How can these people call themselves Star Wars fans?

He continues typing on the keyboard until realization hits his face. He has an idea.

BATEY
I got it! It’ll be like that movie Fanboys. I’ll find some other True Fans on Reddit and we’ll go break into Disney and burn the original negatives of the Prequels! That’ll show these misguided fans. If we can’t have our unaltered Original Trilogy, then they can’t have their Prequels ever again!

BATEY begins writing up his Reddit post to recruit his True Fans, but then there’s a knock on his door. He gets up to answer it, revealing the FORCE GHOST CLEATUS

CLEATUS
Hey dude, I’m here about your Reddit post and I think I can help you.

BATEY is confused. How is there a real Force Ghost at his door.

BATEY
Wha? I wasn’t even done…how did you know?

CLEATUS
Dude, I’m a Force Ghost. Just go with it, ok? Look, I can help you with your little problem. Just wait until the morning and by the time you get up for new comic day you’ll never have to worry about those Prequels again.

The next day BATEY wakes up to go to the comic store and pick up his comics. While passing his shelf of DVDs he notices something missing.

BATEY
That’s strange, where’s my Star Wars set? I must’ve misplaced it somewhere. I’ll find it later.

BATEY arrives at the local comic shop. The COMIC BOOK GUY is reading a Battle Beyond the Stars comic behind the counter.

BATEY
Hey do you have the new issue of Marvel’s Star Wars?

COMIC BOOK GUY
Marvel hasn’t published a Star Wars comic since the 80s. I think we have a couple issues in the back issue bin.

BATEY
What are you talking about? The Star Wars comic is a major on-going from Marvel.

COMIC BOOK GUY
Star Wars? That franchise died off in 1983. Those little teddy bears really were a mistake.

BATEY
You mean Ewoks? They’re awesome!

COMIC BOOK GUY
Since when? When I was a kid everyone hated those things.

BATEY
Since Jar Jar!

COMIC BOOK GUY
Who?

BATEY
Jar Jar Binks? The character George Lucas used to rape everyone’s childhood?

COMIC BOOK GUY
George Lucas? He’s been a recluse for years. He made those three Star Wars movies, two Indiana Jones movies, and then the flop of that Howard the Duck devastated him. He’s just doing artsy fartsy movies now. He and Terence Malick are having a competition to see who could put a theater to sleep the fastest.

BATEY
Wait, you’re saying you never heard of the horrible Special Editions where they CG’ed all the effects or the Prequel Trilogy?

COMIC BOOK GUY
Nope. But you know, if there were new Star Wars movies and stuff coming out to fuel the franchise it may have survived past the eighties with whole new generations of fans. It’s a shame. But hey, to make you feel better I have an extra ticket for the opening of the new Battle Beyond the Stars movie tonight.

BATEY
New one, what do you mean? They made a sequel to that piece of crap?

COMIC BOOK GUY
Sequel? This is the 12th! James Cameron is finally moving on from the effects to actually direct one of the movies. Ol’ man Corman is going to keep making these things until he drops.

BATEY looks like he’s going to throw up. He backs out of the comic shop and starts running down the street yelling for CLEATUS.

BATEY
Force Ghost guy! I take it back! I want Star Wars back!

The Force Ghost CLEATUS reappears in his path.

CLEATUS
You understand if I undo what I did the Prequels and all of the post-1983 Star Wars you hate will exist, as will their fans?

BATEY
YES! I just want my big and successful Star Wars franchise back! I’ll be different!

CLEATUS
Hopefully now you know how it would feel to lose your Star Wars the same way you want to take away another generation’s Star Wars.

BATEY
I’ll just ignore what I don’t like! Star Wars is more important than trying to be a gatekeeper and exclude people who like something I don’t! No more crusades for me.

THE END

Jeremy has been active on the web since the 90s. He’s written for sites such as IGN and Furious Fanboys and even once worked on Star Wars Galaxies (RIP). A long time ago in a galaxy far far away he used to Podcast about Star Wars with friends.